To Date or Not to Date
by Zayz
Summary: LJ. James asks Lily what her ideal date with him would be - because that way, she wouldn't be able to refuse! Slight language. R&R?


**A/N: The conversation went for a lot longer than I planned, but well, what can I do? Enjoy the fic and remember to review, luvs.**

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J: Lily Flower, oh LILY FLOWER!

L: Yes?

J: Don't sigh like that, Dearest; it makes you sound like you don't want to see me!

L: Believe me when I say you have absolutely no idea how little I want to see you…

J: Ah, Lily, always the joker. I've long admired your sense of humor.

L: And I've long cringed at yours.

J: Don't be absurd. I'm hilarious.

L: You are, but not in the ways that you assume you are.

J: Ha. Ha. Now, enough of insulting me; I had something I had to ask you.

L: Ooh, this sounds ominous. Hmm, lets see here…no, I don't want to go to Hogsmeade with you; no, I am not in love with you; no, I would not like to feel how lovely it is to kiss you; no, I do not enjoy being in your company; and _no_, I will _never _want to tell you how great your boxers look on you.

J: When did I ask you to tell me how my boxers look on me?

L: Last year. I think you were drunk.

J: Merlin, you remember everything. That obviously means you love me.

L: No. The reason I remember that was because it was a particularly good story I still enjoy recalling with my friends.

J: Because my boxers were gorgeous?

L: Because I kicked your boxers and sent you sprawling to the floor. I wish I'd had a camera.

J: I see…well, ignoring that, my real question was this – since you clearly don't want to go with me to Hogsmeade, I wanted to know what your ideal date with me would be. That way, I can arrange it and you couldn't say no!

L: Hmmm…I'd have to say one that doesn't exist at all.

J: I was thinking we could do a picnic by the Black Lake – I know how to get to the kitchens, I could do it easily…

L: Or I can buy you a ticket to the hot and fiery playground under the ground and run an axe through your throat to send you there.

J: …if you don't want to do that, though, we could always have Sirius set up something candle-lit in a cleared-out classroom…

L: I would much prefer to take you swimming and hold your head under until you stopped struggling beneath me.

J: …my last idea would be that we could just take some wine into a storage cupboard and see what happens, but that's obviously up to you.

L: I'd rather throw you through one of the Quidditch hoops outside like one of those infernal Quaffles you are so obsessed with – without a broom.

J: No need to be bitter, Lily – take your pick. A picnic, something in the castle, or a storage cupboard?

L: James, I don't want to do _anything _with you. I would be more than happy to send you to the icecaps of Antarctica and feed you to the hungry seals there. Please don't push me to that point.

J: Don't play hard-to-get, Lils; it only makes you all the more appealing.

L: My point exactly – it is only my playing hard-to-get that attracts you to me. You're so shallow! I would never go out with someone who only likes me for my very true observation that you are nothing but an arse with too much hair.

J: It's not only the chase, as I've tried to tell you so many times – although the chase doesn't help. And my hair is one of my best features; it's good to have a lot of it.

L: You are impossibly vain.

J: I'm not vain – I'm only confident.

L: Confident? You are the very definition of arrogant – I ought to be following you around with clusters of first years teaching them that you are everything they should strive _not _to be.

J: First years like me, Lily.

L: They like you because they have found someone in their school that has a mind more primitive than that of a Great Ape.

J: No, they like me for my capacity to loosen up. You're a tad overbearing.

L: I'm not overbearing!

J: You are.

L: No, I'm _realistic_. You, on the other hand, are _idealistic_, and therefore impossible.

J: I'm not idealistic; I'm merely someone capable of having fun. Not that you would know the feeling, or anything.

L: I can have fun, James; it's _your _type of fun that I don't like.

J: My kind of fun _is _fun, Flower. You are woefully dull sometimes.

L: This is another thing I don't get about you – you happily insult everything about me, and yet you claim to love me. How is that love?

J: Now who's being idealistic, hmm? It takes someone who loves you to send you on the right path. Love isn't all sunshine and smiles.

L: I, of all people, am aware of that.

J: So how can you doubt that I love you? I'm helping you by pointing out character flaws, and therefore showing my love, because you won't let me do it the old-fashioned way by dating you.

L: Can't you do all this with anyone else? Why does it always have to be me?

J: Because you're the only girl I know who can eat eight drumsticks in one sitting without complaining about weight; and you can make the most innocent item into a dangerous weapon; and you're feisty enough to keep me on my toes. I like that.

L: As I've said, you're impossible…

J: But you're blushing – so that _must _mean what I'm saying is flattering you, therefore endearing me to you!

L: Never.

J: And no smart-arse remark back on a comment that practically _cries _for it! Lily Evans, you are so in love with me. You'd better date me right away.

L: James, let me put this to you straight, one last time – I do _not _love you, I am _not _in the mood to argue with you right now, and even if you slipped potion into my drink to make me like you, I couldn't date you anyway. I have a date tonight.

J: Really? That's interesting. Who's the lucky bastard?

L: Anthony Martin.

J: You can't possibly date Anthony Martin!

L: And why not?

J: He's not me!

L: Nice try.

J: No, I'm serious, Lily, you can't date Anthony Martin.

L: I will repeat myself then – why not?

J: Because he's currently supposed to be seeing Angela Watson.

L: Keep up, James; he broke up with Angela two months ago.

J: They got back together, then – I saw her snogging him last week. Don't go on the date.

L: Don't kid yourself. I'm going on the date.

J: Don't!

L: I am.

J: Honest, don't!

L: I _am_.

J: You'll regret it, just don't!

L: I sure as hell am going on that date and nothing you say is going to stop me!

J: And she says _I'm _impossible…

L: You are. I'm never going to date you because you're a jerk, and I like Anthony. Save your 'romantic' date plans for some other poor girl and leave me out of your ludicrous schemes. I'm not interested.

J: This is going to be ugly. I'm telling you now.

L: Thank you for your concern, but I'm a big girl – I can take care of myself. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get ready for my date. Anthony is taking me out to the Three Broomsticks tonight.

J: So you'll go with _him_, and not with _me_?

L: Mhmm.

J: I see that as a desperate attempt to avoid your passionate feelings for me.

L: But you are an idiot, so excuse me if I disregard you completely. I'm leaving, yeah?

J: Fine. Enjoy your _date_.

L: You've been on plenty – stop making it sound like a death sentence.

J: I have, but none of them have been with Anthony Martin.

L: Don't be jealous. It's a sin.

J: Dating Anthony Martin should be as well.

L: Run down to the kitchens and find yourself an egg to suck. I'm going.

J: What time is your date?

L: In about an hour.

J: I have an hour to sneak into the Potions room, brew a potion for violent stomach sickness, make Anthony drink it, and stuff him in the Vanishing cupboard then…damn…

L: Don't make me slap you. Bye James.

J: Bye…

-the next morning-

J: Lily Flower!

L: Please, James, it's too early for you to harass me…

J: I just wanted to know how your date went, Lils. Did the beast do anything rotten to you?

L: No, he didn't.

J: LIES!!

L: …

J: Sorry.

L: As you should be.

J: But honest, how did it go? I want to know.

L: And I want to learn French and travel all over the world, but we're both going to have to get over it, won't we?

J: You do? That's cool – Sirius knows French, he could teach you. And I'll take you around the world when we're done with school.

L: Why in the name of Merlin's salsa-stained blue sock would I ever let Sirius teach me a foreign language? It's like suicide. Besides that, I wouldn't go around the world with you even if you were safely stowed away in my hand-baggage.

J: Never have I been so insulted in all my life…

L: Boy, I've only just gotten started. You'd better leave before I get my head straight and say something worse.

J: No, I'll deal with it, because I want to know how your date went.

L: Then keep waiting – wait for eternity, for all I care.

J: Is it really that big of a secret? I assume it must be, because of all these atrociously rude comments you're making imply keeping a secret.

L: No, I just enjoy bugging you.

J: Clearly…

L: You invite it. You're too earnest.

J: Earnest?

L: You're chasing after the wrong person, and yet you never stop trying. I call that earnest.

J: That's because you and I? We've got _chemistry_. We just _work_. Even when we argue. You'll realize eventually how much we have, and then, you'll have no choice but to give me a chance.

L: I've never cared for chemistry. James, you and me have nothing to do with chemistry – this is physics.

J: Nobody ever cares about physics!

L: The laws of movement say I'm never going to move in your circle.

J: Then you did the math wrong.

L: I'm very good at math; I assure you, I did it right.

J: I'm forced to conclude that there's something that you forgot to factor into your equation, Lily Evans, because you and I are meant to be.

L: It's too early in the morning to be arguing about how 'fated' we are.

J: No time is ever too early.

L: I'm too tired to do this.

J: Then let me make it easy for you – Anthony Martin is an idiot, you're in love with me, and you should date me instead.

L: I will never get over how much certainty you say that with.

J: You should – because it's all true.

L: You are ridiculous. I will never understand why you're not in a mental asylum already.

J: Sticks and stones will break my bones, but your words will never hurt me.

L: That is one of the oldest sayings in the world.

J: And it survives because it's also true. Can't deny that one, can you?

L: I'm seriously getting tired of this…

J: So give me what I want and tell me how your date went!

L: All right, fine…

J: Hooray for morning retreats!

L: …

J: Don't give me that look, just go on with your story.

L: I hate you. But, anyway, our date went fine. He bought us butterbeer, and we drank it. Then, we talked some before he brought me back to the castle. He kissed me good-night and here I am.

J: He _kissed _you?!

L: Yeah, a little peck on the cheek.

J: …That's not fair.

L: He has never harassed me like you do, so I think it's _very_ fair.

J: I can't believe you!

L: That's your choice, not mine.

J: Are you going to go out with him again?

L: Erm…to be quite frank, I don't think so. I never thought it would ever happen, but I think his head is even more inflated than yours. The evening was not as much fun as I thought it would be. Angela can have him.

J: YES!!

L: …

J: This does mean you're still available?

L: Unfortunately, yes.

J: Then do you want to go with _me _to the Three Broomsticks?

L: I'm allergic to arrogant boys.

J: Bring your medication then, I want to take you out.

L: If you try to take me out, I'll hide in the women's lavatory until it's time to go.

J: I'll talk to you through the door.

L: You will look more like the freak you are, and I bet you'll get a few odd looks.

J: Crazy, the things I do for love, huh?

L: More like demented and obsessive, but all right.

J: So is it a date? Will you go with me?

L: Let me recover from Anthony and then we'll see.

J: Yay!

L: Can you go celebrate over there? I've had more than my daily dose of James Potter today.

J: Whatever you say, Lily Dearest.

L: …Dear Merlin, please forgive me for whatever I did to be stuck with this idiot in my life.

J: I love you too, Flower – I'll see you later?

L: The sad thing is, I'll have to. You're in my freaking _House_.

J: Isn't life grand? Bye, Flower!

L: Kill me now and be done with it.

J: No way; then I couldn't go out with you!

L: …

J: Until later then, my soon-to-be-girlfriend.

L: Just leave.

J: Eh, I'll humor you. Bye!

L: …Dear Merlin, is it okay to end my life a few years early?


End file.
